Of academic dreams

Increasingly I am dreaming dreams that are "academic", for want of a better word. The motifs are: research group meetings, meetings with adviser and informal (research kind of) discussions with fellow research students; "developing" algorithms or "finding answers"/ "convincing arguments" to research questions. Once in a while, I am not a part of of the cast, but a remote spectator to a small set of people (I think only two) engaged in a dialectic on a variety of topics. Sometimes in English, sometimes in Kannada. To be sure, in a conscious state I have none of the range, depth, vocabulary or fluency that characterise these dreams.

What is startling is not just the frequency, but also the lucidity of these dreamy or dream-like states. Unlike the other (non-academic) dreams, I can remember at least the broader details for a long time. A few weeks ago, I had a discussion, not with one of the usual suspects, but a close cousin of mine, about my thesis work! Specifically, about a paper which deals with work similar to mine; he was giving me advice based on the details in that paper. Alas! I only remember to the extent of the name of the paper, and not the advice :) Another time I had "figured out" that the results that I have got in a experiment are the best for the model that I am using. Again, while both the results and the model are real, the link has gone missing. More than a few times I leave the bed trying hard to remember the algorithm/model that I had "developed" for a problem I am working on.

Why, even this morning I broke away from an interesting discussion on publications etc. with two of my labmates (in Bangalore) ;) We were discussing how there are not enough conferences in a particular field of research, and how a lot of important work in that area is published in a seemingly unrelated (but important) journal. Anyway, these dreams constantly leave a nagging feeling behind -- "Did we actually discuss something substantive?", "Did I actually develop some useful ideas?" Though all this must be illusory, the possibility, however narrow, of making progress by sheer fluke is too attractive to completely rule out!

I have a few reasons that possibly explain why this happens: (1) I always start working late in the day, and most of (the very little) focussed work that I do, occurs during the wee hours. There is no gap between stopping working and hitting the bed. So, when I go to bed eventually, the work "continues" in the subconscious. (2) I spend a lot more time thinking about doing the work (and imagining how I am going to do it and the consequence of its completion) than actually doing the work! (3) I almost never complete things. Not on time, anyway. So, I never go to bed with a relaxed feeling; I sleep on the incomplete things. Probably, the subconscious projects a temporary illusion of having achieved something through the medium of dreams, thus putting the mind to rest. (4) This is especially true on days when I don't do much work (and there are more than a few). On those days, the guilty mind starts "doing research" and produces such a dream, just to make sure I can sleep a bit. ;)

Lest anyone misconstrue, let me make it clear again that none of this implies that I do a lot of research work. Quite on the contrary, they indicate that I need to (1) do a lot more work, than thinking about doing it, (2) regularly, and at regular hours, (3) towards completing things on time. This problem is fairly well defined. Now, I should see if I can actually solve it in reality.

Please let me fail!

[Warning: What follows is a rant]

If there is one thing that hinders innovation in India, it is the societal intolerance to failures. People around you are unforgiving if you "fail", especially if you failed in something that is unconventional. Say for your engineering undergraduation you chose a stream that "does not have scope", you are doing something that is dangerously unconventional! And perchance if you fail to get a well paying job at the end of it, god help you! Mind you, you need not have failed because you chose an unconventional path. But you failed allright.

That parents (and family) expect their kids to be safe, settled and successful is justified. What is not justified, however, is that the measures of success et al. are predefined and immutable. I see so many times people worrying that their kids are not getting anywhere (meaning, they don't earn as much as their friends; don't yet have a plot of land unlike the others etc..), whereas the said kids are thoroughly enjoying their life learning new skills and working hard. Let alone the family, even others assume a right to measure a person's success! Just because they have access to the measures!

If one is a PhD student, especially is India, one has to deal with this on a regular basis. If there is some career choice in India that is totally absolutely "out of syllabus", it is chosing to do a PhD in Computer Science, in India! (Add to it, "not from one of the most reputed institutes", if you will.) Imagine doing a PhD in CS, when "software has a huge scope" in the Indian industry! One must be crazy to waste 5-6 years doing a PhD. One gets asked questions such as the following on a regular basis: why PhD; why in India; why not in [great country|institute]; what is the scope for PhDs in India; what is the range of the starting salary for PhDs.

Sometimes, if the people are in good form, the questions are nastier: how good is [the institute where you are pursuing a PhD]  for a PhD; how good are the advisors here (if they were good, they would be in the US or Europe, naturally!); when will you graduate, hasn't it been more than 3 years already; can you get a job in India; may be you should try for a job in the US, I don't think you can get a job in India; why don't you plan to settle in the US.

I am not making any of this up. I get to deal with them so regularly, sometimes from family, sometimes from strangers, that I have got used to them. But sometimes the annoyance accumulates so much that it gets to your nerves. This rant is a possibly a result of that. So, I have one thing to ask: people, please don't bother. I promise to never to pry and never to judge your life. I never do.

Please let me fail! Please let us fail. People who fail matter too, you know. In fact, if you check the history of the world, it is the people who risked failure that mattered the most. When one is exploring something new, failure is the norm! But if such a person even succeeds marginally, it potentially has a happy effect on several others. If I want to find a job in India, it is my prerogative. When a person is doing research work, there cannot be guarantees on time. If I fail to complete my PhD in 3 years, it's alright with me. I prefer failing on my terms to succeeding on yours! I do crave success as much as you do. I do want a well paying job, a cozy home, an LCD TV, and subscriptions to lifestyle magazines. But on my own terms; at my own pace.

I am happy, however unlikely or unreasonable it may appear to you. Happy that I am learning new things. Getting awestruck by the beauty of things. Generating ideas and implementing some. Contributing in my own little way. I am proud of what I am doing. I don't carry any illusions that whatever I do is going to make a difference to anyone. But again, the history of the world is a story of the synergy of countless tiny ideas coming together over time. Unless you allow people to risk going out of established paths, innovation cannot and will not happen. I am sure you mean well when you expect me to be settled and satisfied. But what if I want to be unsettled? Look at the world around you. How can a creative and sensitive person not be unsettled by what he observes and experiences?

And please understand that such aversion or anxiety towards failure is unwarranted. Things have changed quite a bit. People can afford a little bit of failure these days. It's alright if a kid tries something and fails. He has the time and resources to recover from his failures. If someone takes a break from her job to learn fencing or photography (or even just to relax!), it's alright, all is not over for her. I am sure there are more than a just few ways to live a good life. I am not sorry if all this sounds lofty or highhanded, because when you pry on me with condescending questions, you are not exactly being humble.

Ek Doctor Ki Maut

Several days ago I had an accidental pleasure of watching Tapan Sinha's Ek Doctor Ki Maut. It was a unique experince for me, of watching a great movie without even knowing its name, even after it ended. It was only later, when I searched on the web based on the movie's plot and lead characters that I found some information about it. And I watched it on Lok Sabha TV!

The reason I started watching it (it had already begun; I don't know how much I have missed) was because I caught Pankaj Kapur, who plays Dr. Dipankar Roy talking about his research work with his mentor Dr. Kundu, a very senior microbiologist. What caught my attention was that I could readily relate to the way they were talking. It is the talk that we do so often in our lab. Probably in any research lab. As I continued to watch it I kept thinking how things have not changed! The love for scientific approach, the passion for research, the unrelenting quest for truth was there. It is there now too. It was not prevalent. It is not prevalent now either. It was thought that real research is done in the west. That hasn't changed either.

Dr. Roy, who's a government servant has discovered a vaccine for leprosy, after years of toiling. He has worked after his office hours, by setting up his own lab, and working in small private labs of some of his friends. He has also observed that, as a side effect, his vaccine has a definite chance of curing female infertility. It is a revolutionary discovery if it is proved to be true. Dr. Roy states clearly that his primary work is the discovery of a vaccine for leprosy. Though there's a definite possibility of the vaccine curing female infertility, it is only an observed side effect, and he is not going to claim anything yet about that. An enthusiastic journalist friend of Roy's (Irfan Khan) publishes this news. It is the infertility bit of the news that captures the imagination of the people, so to speak, and plays a crucial role in Dr. Roy's eventual "failure".

Very soon bureaucracy takes over. Peer envy starts haunting Roy. Leading gynecologist of Calcutta start a lobby against Roy, because Roy, who's not qualified in gynecology, is interfering in their business by announcing fake results. Roy finds it ridiculous that gynecologists should find problems with his research. It is them who are interfering in his business. It is them who are uinqualified to judge his work, because it has got nothing to do with gynecology; only microbiologists or cellular biologists can review it. The lobby grows stronger. Roy gets rebuked for publishing fake stuff. He is harassed at his work place. But he cannot afford to leave his job due to the loans he had to take for his research work. He gets invited to a talk by medical students. He gets humiliated there. They say they don't "believe" in his research. Roy is not at all amused by their choice of words. He maintains - "Science does not depend on anybody's belief or disbelief; it asks for proof. It's all about truth." He gets transferred to a remote village in Bengal, so that he does not complete his papers.

What is striking also is the foresight of Dr. Kundu, Roy's mentor, who to begin with expresses his displeasure about the news article that mentions the chance of curing infertility. He says - "Dipankar's work is about leprosy." He knows, by virtue of his experience that, this distraction was unnecessary and potentially dangerous until Roy publishes his papers. In any case, he tells Roy to leave everything else and complete his papers. He even makes the first draft of Roy's work and sends it across to an organization called John Anderson Foundation. He knows that the people here will not accept this work unless it is ratified by the west. (An enthusiastic response by the John Anderson foundation is buried deep by the bureaucracy at Roy's hospital.) Dr. Kundu takes Roy's family to task severely when he comes to know that he had gone to give a lecture to medical students. First news papers, then BBC and now this -- he is irritated. He restates the need to complete the papers and send them across before all this publicity kills his work.

A glimpse of hope appears in the form of Dr. Emily from the John Anderson foundation, who unfazed by the bureaucracy, comes all the way to the village where Dr. Roy is working. She goes through his preliminary writings and is amazed at its comprehension. She urges Roy further to complete this work and send across the papers. However, he is finding it immensely difficult to live alone in a village, away from his lab, libraries, and his most supportive wife (Shabana Azmi), who comes to meet him every weekend. He has already grown hopeless, when a new lobby led by his friend and gynecologist Arijit, puts pressure on the director of health to transfer Dr. Roy back to Calcutta.

Back in Calcutta, Roy resumes his work, hopeful of quickly completing his papers and publishing them. But it's too late. One day his journalist friend comes home and in a perturbed tone announces that the vaccine for leprosy has been discovered. The approach for its discovery is exactly the same as Roy's. Just that his name does not appear in the news piece. Some folks from MIT have won the race. At the end of the movie, Roy receives an invitation from John Anderson foundation to join them and continue his work by collaborating with their scientists. He only says to Dr. Kundu - "After all, my research was not false."

The movie was inspired by the tragic story of Subhash Mukhopadhyay, who was the first Indian physician to perform invitro fertilization (test tube baby), and who committed suicide because he was not allowed to present his work in international conferences. It's not so much about the plot of the movie (that I have revealed thoroughly, without even warning) as much as the thought that has gone into it.