[Warning: What follows is a rant]
That parents (and family) expect their kids to be safe, settled and successful is justified. What is not justified, however, is that the measures of success et al. are predefined and immutable. I see so many times people worrying that their kids are not getting anywhere (meaning, they don't earn as much as their friends; don't yet have a plot of land unlike the others etc..), whereas the said kids are thoroughly enjoying their life learning new skills and working hard. Let alone the family, even others assume a right to measure a person's success! Just because they have access to the measures!
If one is a PhD student, especially is India, one has to deal with this on a regular basis. If there is some career choice in India that is totally absolutely "out of syllabus", it is chosing to do a PhD in Computer Science, in India! (Add to it, "not from one of the most reputed institutes", if you will.) Imagine doing a PhD in CS, when "software has a huge scope" in the Indian industry! One must be crazy to waste 5-6 years doing a PhD. One gets asked questions such as the following on a regular basis: why PhD; why in India; why not in [great country|institute]; what is the scope for PhDs in India; what is the range of the starting salary for PhDs.
Sometimes, if the people are in good form, the questions are nastier: how good is [the institute where you are pursuing a PhD]
I am not making any of this up. I get to deal with them so regularly, sometimes from family, sometimes from strangers, that I have got used to them. But sometimes the annoyance accumulates so much that it gets to your nerves. This rant is a possibly a result of that. So, I have one thing to ask: people, please don't bother. I promise to never to pry and never to judge your life. I never do.
Please let me fail! Please let us fail. People who fail matter too, you know. In fact, if you check the history of the world, it is the people who risked failure that mattered the most. When one is exploring something new, failure is the norm! But if such a person even succeeds marginally, it potentially has a happy effect on several others. If I want to find a job in India, it is my prerogative. When a person is doing research work, there cannot be guarantees on time. If I fail to complete my PhD in 3 years, it's alright with me. I prefer failing on my terms to succeeding on yours! I do crave success as much as you do. I do want a well paying job, a cozy home, an LCD TV, and subscriptions to lifestyle magazines. But on my own terms; at my own pace.
I am happy, however unlikely or unreasonable it may appear to you. Happy that I am learning new things. Getting awestruck by the beauty of things. Generating ideas and implementing some. Contributing in my own little way. I am proud of what I am doing. I don't carry any illusions that whatever I do is going to make a difference to anyone. But again, the history of the world is a story of the synergy of countless tiny ideas coming together over time. Unless you allow people to risk going out of established paths, innovation cannot and will not happen. I am sure you mean well when you expect me to be settled and satisfied. But what if I want to be unsettled? Look at the world around you. How can a creative and sensitive person not be unsettled by what he observes and experiences?
And please understand that such aversion or anxiety towards failure is unwarranted. Things have changed quite a bit. People can afford a little bit of failure these days. It's alright if a kid tries something and fails. He has the time and resources to recover from his failures. If someone takes a break from her job to learn fencing or photography (or even just to relax!), it's alright, all is not over for her. I am sure there are more than a just few ways to live a good life. I am not sorry if all this sounds lofty or highhanded, because when you pry on me with condescending questions, you are not exactly being humble.
Please let me fail! Please let us fail. People who fail matter too, you know. In fact, if you check the history of the world, it is the people who risked failure that mattered the most. When one is exploring something new, failure is the norm! But if such a person even succeeds marginally, it potentially has a happy effect on several others. If I want to find a job in India, it is my prerogative. When a person is doing research work, there cannot be guarantees on time. If I fail to complete my PhD in 3 years, it's alright with me. I prefer failing on my terms to succeeding on yours! I do crave success as much as you do. I do want a well paying job, a cozy home, an LCD TV, and subscriptions to lifestyle magazines. But on my own terms; at my own pace.
I am happy, however unlikely or unreasonable it may appear to you. Happy that I am learning new things. Getting awestruck by the beauty of things. Generating ideas and implementing some. Contributing in my own little way. I am proud of what I am doing. I don't carry any illusions that whatever I do is going to make a difference to anyone. But again, the history of the world is a story of the synergy of countless tiny ideas coming together over time. Unless you allow people to risk going out of established paths, innovation cannot and will not happen. I am sure you mean well when you expect me to be settled and satisfied. But what if I want to be unsettled? Look at the world around you. How can a creative and sensitive person not be unsettled by what he observes and experiences?
And please understand that such aversion or anxiety towards failure is unwarranted. Things have changed quite a bit. People can afford a little bit of failure these days. It's alright if a kid tries something and fails. He has the time and resources to recover from his failures. If someone takes a break from her job to learn fencing or photography (or even just to relax!), it's alright, all is not over for her. I am sure there are more than a just few ways to live a good life. I am not sorry if all this sounds lofty or highhanded, because when you pry on me with condescending questions, you are not exactly being humble.
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9 comments:
better to just tell them to BUTT OFF. They can never understand :( and neither do I want them to understand.
"If there is one thing that hinders innovation in India, it is the societal intolerance to failures."
Very well said, I totally concur. An obvious fallout of this societal intolerance is the fear of failure for self. Naturally, this is an even bigger hindrance.
"If there is one thing that hinders innovation in India, it is the societal intolerance to failures."
Very well said. Its true to the core.!
Please let me fail! Please let us fail. People who fail matter too, you know.
Failure is considered as taboo ( I can't think of better word) right from the childhood. The other day my cousin was talking about her child who is in 10th. She was emphasizing the fact that her child scores above 95 in all the tests without any pressure being put by the parents. My other cousin was complaining, my son doesn't study well and does'nt score well. What I couldn't convince them was that Marks does'nt convey the ability of students. Scoring less marks is a taboo in our society.
Reminds me of a time some years ago when I said to someone close to me, "I am not afraid of failing. I am only afraid of failing in front of you."
Just don't bother; you'll soon outgrow this and learn to ignore, and/or you'll soon cease to be interesting to the others and they'll give up on you as a hopeless case. ;)
Nice post! :)
Recently, my father said to me, "It's been three years, you know! How much longer is this going to go on?"
Now, I respect a parent's concern about their ward "settling down" and so on. But to consider what I do as something disturbing?! Too far! Fortunately, I found the heart to dismiss that comment and applaud a beautiful cover drive by Andrew Strauss.
A relative was recently kind enough to remind me that real estate prices in the city are going off the roof and that I needed to get a real job soon.
Some people have even asked, "Doing a PhD because you didn't land a job, huh?"
Most of the time, I try to ignore such comments and move on. But sometimes, I do feel compelled to go all out on a war footing, because how much nonsense will you keep hearing?!
And about failing. Heh. Kids are practically scared away when they talk about doing something unconventional. An old classmate of mine wanted to learn Bharatnatyam, but he was told by my class teacher that he should stop the dancing thing or he would turn into a girl!
Very well put!
IMO, anything that you do which doesn't land you a job is criticised, be it unconventional choice for education or pursuit of a hobby or anything ... the fact that you are sticking to your choice despite the constant nagging is a very commendable thing.
We, as a society, just seem to be taking too long to break out of this mindset. My recent purchase of an electric guitar was met with some strange criticism from some relatives, one of them even questioning my dedication to my job and life ... its too crazy to elaborate what he actually said.
Looking at the issue a little different ...This is a small cost you are paying for enjoying life ( by learning new things, getting awestruck by the beauty of things around etc) which the ' successful' lot never get a chance to. But yes you may not be communicating your 'happiness' to the rest of the world as 'effectively' as the conventionally successful guy. a free lunch is still a very difficult proposition to aspire for, lest as a gift.
All, thanks for the comments. To clarify one or two things, this post is mostly about the "others" who feign concern, not necessarily about parents or people close to one. I am OK with one's family seeking accountability from one to a certain extent, because, for one, they genuinely care, and, in some cases, have invested financially and otherwise. Even then, as I said, I am OK with the questioning only up to an extent. And, personally, I have rather enjoyed great support from them.
OTOH, when people who have no stake pretend as though I am accountable to them, just because I am somehow related/acquainted to them, it gets annoying. Stuff like Mandar's kind relative hinting about time running out, or Big Foot's getting questioned about the purpose of his guitar, are absolutely unsolicited.
It seems to me that the more you grow up to be independent and individualistic, the more accountable you tend to become. (And to more people!) Odd, isn't it?
@Mahi: Yes, I have heard those arguments too before :) With respect, it's not my problem if others don't 'get' me, is it? After all, I am not asking them to understand me; only to leave me alone and get on with it. ;)
@ sanket
i fail to understand your position. you wrote this blog entry in the first place for the simple reason that you get annoyed of others asking you questions and apparently poking heads into your affairs. In that case I guess , contrary to what you wrote, it is precisely your problem.
Point no. 2: One is to admit that you are asking others to leave you alone through this blog and another is the fact that you never effctively send this message across to others (relatives and parents). For example, If you say flat on face to these ' others ' to lay-off from you, I dont think any self- respecting one would again think of even facing you. But then why are you not doing this ???? simple .. there would be a cost of doing it. You will lose socialising opportunities, you will be deprived of the (emotional) comforts of a sense of wider family support etc.. some of the advantages of Indian social and family life ( which is even reported in sociology literature). And this is the price ( or cost) I was talking of.
Hence in final analysis...You either can be left alone with your ' unlimited freedom' and ' individuality' sans family support or trade-off some of the freedom for some of the advantages of wider familial and social comforts.
You have a choice ... real coice..
Exercise it rather than complaining is the position I would take in similar circumstances.
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